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Screaming and crying and falling down. - Piano wire. [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
The richest girl in town.

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Screaming and crying and falling down. [Thursday, Feb. 12th, 2009|09:48 pm]
The richest girl in town.
Had my first real meltdown last night. It's not that I haven't cried since Friday, but I've been so busy taking care of all the Dead Grandmother Logistics and looking for distractions when I'm not. Last night, sitting alone in my apartment, too tired to do dishes like I'd planned or put away the rest of my laundry, I broke down. The grief feels bottomless. And the Catch-22 is that usually when I've felt as lost and broken and hopeless as I did last night, I've called my grandmother.

I've got good people around to remind me to breathe, and that it's okay to cry, and that I don't need to apologize for it, and that I don't have to do anything right now, that "I should" is a worthless beginning to any sentence right now.

"But when will this end!?" I rail. "How long will I feel like the floor has fallen out from under me?"

And there is no answer, really. It'll take time, however much time it takes. Not a particularly satisfying answer for a person like me who likes things to be organized and scheduled, especially when they're as terrifying as the feelings I'm having right now. I crashed at Amanda's place last night, which was exactly where I needed to be. She was really grounding, gave me the much-needed sanity check, made me tea, got me to laugh. This morning, I drove her to the airport and then visited MJ before she took off for three weeks in Korea.

Tomorrow I have the interview I was supposed to have last Friday, then a trip to Just Cause to chat about the next newspaper issue, and then some more errands with my mother (picking up my grandmother's belongings from her nursing home, dropping off the urn we got yesterday at the funeral home, getting plants for the memorial), and finally, a date.

And at some point between now and Saturday at 2:00 p.m., I have to write a eulogy.

Good grief. No pun intended.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: vicious_wench
2009-02-13 05:56 am (UTC)

E-hugs don't do much, but know that you're in my thoughts.

There's a John Updike poem that resonates with me regarding grief, and it might for you as well. Feel free to ignore it.

Perfection Wasted

And another regrettable thing about death
is the ceasing of your own brand of magic,
which took a whole life to develop and market —
the quips, the witticisms, the slant
adjusted to a few, those loved ones nearest
the lip of the stage, their soft faces blanched
in the footlight glow, their laughter close to tears,
their warm pooled breath in and out with your heartbeat,
their response and your performance twinned.
The jokes over the phone. The memories packed
in the rapid-access file. The whole act.
Who will do it again? That’s it: no one;
imitators and descendants aren’t the same.


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[User Picture]From: fightingwords
2009-02-13 06:35 am (UTC)
That poem is... perfect.
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[User Picture]From: vicious_wench
2009-02-13 06:37 am (UTC)
I thought it might be. I'm glad if it can help you in any way.

I suspect your grandmother had a very potent brand of magic, and that her words would definitely have a slant adjusted to those who knew and loved her.
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[User Picture]From: fightingwords
2009-02-13 06:36 am (UTC)
Yeah, I spent last night with a friend whose mother died when she was 18. It never totally goes away, but time and perspective help, especially when our loved ones were suffering as much as my grandmother was.
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[User Picture]From: fightingwords
2009-02-13 08:35 am (UTC)
I just keep reminding myself that she went in her sleep, which is a mercy. That she won't have to have her other leg amputated, which is a mercy. That she knew that I loved her more than anything on this earth when she died.
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[User Picture]From: dali_drama
2009-02-13 06:17 am (UTC)
words fail to truly offer solace in a time like this.

know that understanding and support is out there for you.

be strong in whatever way you see fit. cry, scream, fall down. do it if that's what needs to be done.

let it pass through you.

yes, it hurts.

ask yourself, "what would she say to me right now?" and her guidance will be there.

deep wounds heal in their own time, they may leave a scar, but they do heal.
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[User Picture]From: fightingwords
2009-02-13 06:36 am (UTC)
Thanks, sweets.
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[User Picture]From: i_dreamed_i_was
2009-02-13 06:18 am (UTC)
Oh, honey, so much love to you. I didn't know what to say until I was writing it down on a bunch of napkins. I knew it was God, because I didn't have anything in me. It will come to you. *love*
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[User Picture]From: fightingwords
2009-02-13 06:37 am (UTC)
At some point, a bottle of wine and I need to work it out. Perhaps later tonight.
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[User Picture]From: i_dreamed_i_was
2009-02-13 06:40 am (UTC)
Go for it.
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[User Picture]From: elusis
2009-02-13 07:02 am (UTC)
You're doing this just fine, lady. And everything I'd say, you already know, so I'll just say: you're doing fine.

Love you.
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[User Picture]From: tristan_crane
2009-02-13 07:06 am (UTC)

...

There's never really an 'end', and there's never a right or a wrong way of handling this..

But you already know that. The floor keeps falling and while we hope it hits something, it doesn't. No one can really ease this, of course, but you aren't alone.

Last week we went and buried my partner's father.. it's not the same thing as what you feel, yet the grief is the same. there's no reason.. they are at peace and we suffer.

If you need another place to crash, feel free to come here. We have a kitten and a lot of tea.

http://www.katsandogz.com/ondeath.html

"Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance."
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[User Picture]From: marialuminous
2009-02-13 10:50 am (UTC)
I may not comment often here, but I care about you, and I admire your strength and wisdom. Oh, sweetie. This part of grief is really rough, and I don't know what to say other than I'm thinking of you.
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[User Picture]From: susanstinson
2009-02-13 01:09 pm (UTC)
Wishing you everything you need to grieve as you need to.
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[User Picture]From: sealwhiskers
2009-02-13 02:46 pm (UTC)
It sounds like things are incredibly hard right now and I'm so glad that friends are there for you. Hang in there, I'm thinking of you.
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[User Picture]From: skywardprodigal
2009-02-13 03:24 pm (UTC)
*hugs*
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[User Picture]From: goodbadgirl
2009-02-13 03:26 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry for your loss sweetheart. Sending love and light your way. It is a profoundly lonely experience, but there are lots of people around you loving on you really hard.

xo
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[User Picture]From: sparklydevil
2009-02-13 09:38 pm (UTC)
i'm here to listen to you. and to squish you.

you're in my thoughts.
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[User Picture]From: mysterc
2009-02-15 08:49 am (UTC)
Nothin but love to you and your family. You are, as always, in my prayers
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