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Sticking my head out. - Piano wire. [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
The richest girl in town.

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Sticking my head out. [Monday, Dec. 19th, 2016|06:01 pm]
The richest girl in town.
It's definitely been a while since I posted here. That Other Place just isn't the same, even when there are tumbleweeds blowing through my friendslist here. I've never been great with boundaries, so it isn't like I ever kept my presence here anonymous or avoided adding coworkers or frenemies. But it's a very different environment Over There. I can't talk about most of what is going on with me there, and it's isolating. It's a larger issue, of course--I should see people in the flesh far more often than I do, talk on the phone, even. But work and toddler both make that tougher, and if I'm honest, this isn't a new issue anyway.

That said, what's going on these days? Well, a toddler. Yep. P is two years old and acting like it. This isn't all a bad thing, of course. Toddlers are fun. Watching him learn and pick up new words at an insane rate and try to help with every imaginable household chore is astonishing. But there are also tantrums and whining and everything else you've heard about. Still, trying to stay present and absorb all of this, good and bad. dahled and I are tired, but enjoying our little family. We miss Java the Mutt (she passed in April '15), but P and Chai and Nutmeg--the dog we adopted a few months later--keep the household lively.

My mother has cancer. I'm fairly certain I mentioned that the last time I posted here, well over a year ago (not including auto-postings of my infrequent Twitter musings). There's more to it than that--she's also losing her mind (really) and the mental illness she's suffered most (all?) of my life seems to be worse. And of course there's no one else to care for her--I'm an only child, and so is she. There are a couple of family members who've expressed concern, but that just looks like them turning to me and expecting me to step in. Even if I didn't have a lifetime of abuse and neglect from her to make me resentful, this would be hard.

What else? Work. Not loving it. I'd forgotten all the things to hate about startups, and this place has got 'em in spades. I've been here more than a year, and I need to get out, but I'm trying not to jump out of desperation and end up either unemployed or in another job that isn't a long-term solution. So, I wait, and apply elsewhere, and bite my tongue a lot, and try not to curse a motherfucker out.

There's not a lot else. I'm not writing nearly as much as I want to or should be--it's hard, with our schedules. But I'm trying to do better about spending some time each day working on a creative project--whether that's writing or crocheting or (soon) learning to play the bass--which, I guess, is a big deal--I'm having something of a relationship with my father these days. It's awkward and conducted primarily Over There, but I know he's excited about having a grandson, and that seems to have sparked something. So at least one of my parental relationships isn't a complete tire fire.
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[User Picture]From: elusis
2016-12-20 05:17 pm (UTC)

Re: Hi! I'm new here. Not shy so I'll just jump right in!

I was thinking this same thing too, J, and also about some of the things you wrote about years ago re: your dad and the complicated/taxing stuff around him.
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[User Picture]From: fightingwords
2016-12-20 07:29 pm (UTC)

Re: Hi! I'm new here. Not shy so I'll just jump right in!

It's hard. I'm currently avoiding my mother again. I've been driving myself mad trying to make sure she doesn't end up sleeping under an overpass, and twice since Thanksgiving she has skipped doctor's appointments on purpose after I got her to schedule them. I decided on Thursday after she blew another one off that I was done. I've been spending money and time that I don't have trying to save someone who doesn't care about her own wellbeing. That's not a new issue; things are just graver now.
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[User Picture]From: elusis
2016-12-22 11:26 pm (UTC)

Re: Hi! I'm new here. Not shy so I'll just jump right in!

You and Andrew should start an "adult children who are running out of fucks" support group. :(
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[User Picture]From: fightingwords
2016-12-20 07:29 pm (UTC)
Same. It's been so long since I actually felt like I could take a breath on line. This feels so much better.
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[User Picture]From: sealwhiskers
2016-12-20 06:32 am (UTC)
It is good to see you post again. I'm lurking here too, just don't feel like writing about my life now.
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[User Picture]From: fightingwords
2016-12-20 07:30 pm (UTC)
Glad you're here.
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[User Picture]From: raybear
2016-12-20 01:53 pm (UTC)
<3
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[User Picture]From: fightingwords
2016-12-20 07:30 pm (UTC)
*waves*
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[User Picture]From: sushispook
2016-12-20 05:18 pm (UTC)
I know that I've said it before, but I'll say it again: If a conversation is going to go horribly wrong, it will almost always do so on facebook.

You know my situation with my Mom - my heart goes out to you so much right now, and god I wish there was a magic button for all this to find a way through. Big, big hugs to you - this has to be absolutely horrid beyond belief.
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[User Picture]From: fightingwords
2016-12-20 07:32 pm (UTC)
I feel so alone. It's absolutely the worst situation.
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[User Picture]From: nadyalec
2016-12-21 12:36 am (UTC)
nothing useful-- but all my sympathy.
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[User Picture]From: brownstargirl
2016-12-25 11:00 pm (UTC)
I'm glad to hear how you are. My mom started to die this May, and I extend my sympathy and empathy from the adult-daughters-of-awful-moms-now-dying brigade. Which is a brigade that can be kind of hard to fine. I found Ariel Gore's memoir, The End of Eve, to be a comfort. I just want to say that whatever you do will be the absolute best you can do.

Edited at 2016-12-25 11:00 pm (UTC)
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