January 29th, 2008

corset & bougainvillea

Thinking.

Today was a horrendous day, but I'm trying not to dwell on the fifteen flavors of fail.

Instead I'm sitting here working while sipping a glass of vodka infused with vanilla and lemon just for me by kampachi after eating a nice serving of homemade veggie curry dropped off by whittles.

There have been a few things floating through my head in the last few weeks, some spawned of their own volition, others inspired by conversations with friends. I'm not necessarily prepared to write all my thoughts on them, though I wouldn't mind more conversations about them. But first I'd like to just get them down so that I can remember and revisit them as the thinking continues.

I'm thinking about forgiveness, and what it means, and what purpose it serves for all parties.

I'm thinking of passive-aggressive behavior as one of the more unfortunate symptoms of a certain kind of white middle-class culture in which the expression of any emotion, and especially "bad" ones, is generally viewed as negative.

I'm thinking of how challenging it is for me to sit with uncomfortable feelings sometimes instead of intellectualizing them away and why.

I'm thinking about how class and work interfere with our ability to process things healthily instead of stuffing bad feelings away.

I'm thinking about how much our birthplaces, our geography, influence how we relate to other people.

I'm thinking about how many people I know who have a hard time really believing in their own greatness and worth, and what we can do about it.

I'm thinking about how to move past grudges and resentments.

I'm thinking of how difficult it is for me to acknowledge to myself, much less anyone else, when I'm feeling insecure or vulnerable and that I need to get better at it.

There are other things I'm thinking of, too, but right now I need to finish this section of the training manual and get to sleep.