February 12th, 2009

corset & bougainvillea

fightingtweets

  • 17:52 Trying to find the Mac drivers for my printer/scanner. #
  • 00:01 Wondering how long things will be this surreal before they simply turn into a nightmare. #
  • 04:24 @burstein Just an hour, actually. Just an hour. #
  • 13:10 @Mysterc When are you heading out? I have some time today, but also errands to run. Would love to see you, tho. #
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blue mime

Screaming and crying and falling down.

Had my first real meltdown last night. It's not that I haven't cried since Friday, but I've been so busy taking care of all the Dead Grandmother Logistics and looking for distractions when I'm not. Last night, sitting alone in my apartment, too tired to do dishes like I'd planned or put away the rest of my laundry, I broke down. The grief feels bottomless. And the Catch-22 is that usually when I've felt as lost and broken and hopeless as I did last night, I've called my grandmother.

I've got good people around to remind me to breathe, and that it's okay to cry, and that I don't need to apologize for it, and that I don't have to do anything right now, that "I should" is a worthless beginning to any sentence right now.

"But when will this end!?" I rail. "How long will I feel like the floor has fallen out from under me?"

And there is no answer, really. It'll take time, however much time it takes. Not a particularly satisfying answer for a person like me who likes things to be organized and scheduled, especially when they're as terrifying as the feelings I'm having right now. I crashed at Amanda's place last night, which was exactly where I needed to be. She was really grounding, gave me the much-needed sanity check, made me tea, got me to laugh. This morning, I drove her to the airport and then visited MJ before she took off for three weeks in Korea.

Tomorrow I have the interview I was supposed to have last Friday, then a trip to Just Cause to chat about the next newspaper issue, and then some more errands with my mother (picking up my grandmother's belongings from her nursing home, dropping off the urn we got yesterday at the funeral home, getting plants for the memorial), and finally, a date.

And at some point between now and Saturday at 2:00 p.m., I have to write a eulogy.

Good grief. No pun intended.