I think I can only manage one paragraph right now.

I think I can only manage one paragraph right now. - Piano wire.

The richest girl in town.

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I think I can only manage one paragraph right now.	[Wednesday, Mar. 16th, 2011\|11:40 pm] The richest girl in town.
There's a lot to say, and I just haven't had the time or the energy or the brainspace to say any of it. The last few weeks have been very hard in pretty much every way imaginable--lots of hard work and disappointments and loss and endings that were overdue and other endings that are, at the moment, being held at bay by what's left of my patience, my nerves, and my hope. I've realized that I can't fight the fact that I'm an anxious person by nature. Pretending not to be--which isn't to say I'm not finding ways to manage my anxiety--takes a lot out of me and doesn't really offer me anything in return. It's not honest. That's something that's changing this year. It may mean more endings, but so be it. I'd rather move forward, finding and making peace for myself in the ways that make sense and are authentic, than be stuck in place faking some sort of zen-like state for the benefit of others' comfort. That shit's just not happening anymore. Now to send off a cover letter, my newly updated resume, and shove some stuff in a box before I hit the sack. I have to be at work by 6:30 tomorrow morning.
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Comments:

From:

flukycoda
2011-03-17 07:29 am (UTC)

i feel you pain. i, too, have to be at work at the buttcrack of dawn. sigh.

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From:

elusis
2011-03-17 07:34 am (UTC)

I'm proud of you for holding up so well. I'm sorry you have to.

Let's keep finding ways to support each other. I like it.

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From:

tuckova
2011-03-17 09:03 am (UTC)

I hope that with all the horseshit there's a pony in there somewhere for you.

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From:

lowhumcrush
2011-03-17 03:14 pm (UTC)

so brilliant, I must second.

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From:

sealwhiskers
2011-03-17 06:06 pm (UTC)

Thirded! Brilliant wording and Lauren deserves a pony!

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From:

nadyalec
2011-03-17 03:38 pm (UTC)

Yup. Since. I've moved to CA there's enormous pressure to be fake Zen. Fuck it, I am who I am, take it or leave it.

That was part of breaking up with the ex. A year later, I'm infinitely better off.

Xoxo

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From:

susannochka
2011-03-17 07:50 pm (UTC)

A year later, I'm infinitely better off.

a-yep. seconded.

sending you lots of love, Lauren.
xoxo

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From:

tristan_crane
2011-03-17 09:26 pm (UTC)

...

Sending you love and support. There's a lot of anxiety around these days - I've been having small panic attacks again. You're 100% right though, pretending it's not happening is both not honest, and also not helpful for getting through them.

To hell with other people's comfort sometimes. You deserve calm and comfort just as much as anyone else, and that includes being honest and finding the people who can handle that.

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