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Goodbye, 2013. Hello, 2014. - Piano wire. [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
The richest girl in town.

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Goodbye, 2013. Hello, 2014. [Thursday, Jan. 2nd, 2014|09:32 pm]
The richest girl in town.
I'm trying to think about how I want to spend this year, but I'm having a hard time thinking about the year just ending. The reason? It was...not bad. I mean, it wasn't all good, either. There were terrible moments this year, indeed: moments of loss of different types and hurt and injustice and exhaustion. Many people I know are very happy to see 2013 go, and I understand. I've had years like that. Many of them, honestly. But for me, 2013 was, on balance, a really good year.

I examined my relationship with alcohol and stopped drinking for a bit. I quit smoking after 20 years. I came home. I bought a house. I fell in love, hard and gracelessly (which is probably the only and the best way to fall in love). I did a whole lot of things last year, and I am by and large proud of them.

I also had to say goodbye to people this year, including a version of myself that I wasn't able to live up to being. I've spent much of my time back in the Bay Area coming to terms with my time away and realizing just how profoundly sad I'd been for the last couple of years. I've hidden away in my house licking wounds I'm not supposed to have. It is good to know myself better, even if I am ambivalent about the me I'm growing to know. The idea is that I love myself, even as I recognize pieces of myself I previously didn't believe I could love.

But to get back to where I started this, the truth of the matter is that 2013 has been, for me, a good year mostly, and I'm so uncomfortable with that fact. It's one of the reasons I think I've been so much less social since my return. I don't know how to express fully the gratitude I feel for my life now because I don't feel I deserve to be happy. I have some idea where I learned that lesson, and how and where it's been reinforced, but I plan to spend 2014 working on unlearning it, among other things. Because not only do I intend to defend and increase this hard-fought contentment, I intend to indulge in even higher-stakes happiness this year. That's a terrifying proposition, which is why I know it's a commitment worth making.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: tuckova
2014-01-03 06:49 am (UTC)
Reading this made me really happy. I'm proud to know you.
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[User Picture]From: pantryslut
2014-01-03 06:56 am (UTC)
I am happy that you're happy, and you definitely deserve it. Here's to higher stakes.
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[User Picture]From: djinnaya
2014-01-03 04:43 pm (UTC)
I'm glad that you had an overall good year, while still acknowledging the hard parts and the loss. I'm thrilled that 2013 brought you back to the bay! We missed you! /smooches
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From: elusis
2014-01-03 07:00 pm (UTC)
I had a very hard year in some ways (financially, career-wise, recovering from 2012's nervous breakdown). But I also spent the entire year with a really loving, responsive partner, which is the first time I've been able to say that in a LONG long while. I feel bad that others had much worse years emotionally, and I feel jealous that others had much better years financially, so it's been hard to figure out what that adds up to in terms of reflections, you know? :-/
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[User Picture]From: cindymonkey
2014-01-04 01:04 am (UTC)
i hear you on this. xoxox
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[User Picture]From: sealwhiskers
2014-01-04 05:32 am (UTC)
You deserve to be happy and then some. But I can't pretend I am not familiar with the feeling you're describing.
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[User Picture]From: uke
2014-01-04 08:10 pm (UTC)
I was glad to read this, and happy for all the great stuff in your 2013!
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