Log in

No account? Create an account
So it's really been a while since I've written in here. Yes, lots of… - Piano wire. [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
The richest girl in town.

[ website | www.laurenwheeler.com ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

[Wednesday, Jan. 14th, 2015|03:44 pm]
The richest girl in town.

So it's really been a while since I've written in here. Yes, lots of things have happened. I had my son, Pele, on November 3rd. The birth was not at all what I had hoped for or planned, but he's here safe and sound, and so am I. I would like to write about historical trauma, and perhaps how that's related to the true knot in Pele's umbilical cord and the fact that it was wrapped around his neck four times. This is an era in which we have to keep reminding people that black lives matter, after all. But at the moment, its not my beautiful baby boy's life that preoccupies me or has driven me back to this space.

I have not seen my mother in months. We got into it a few weeks before Pele was born, which was not surprising to me seeing as how tension had been building throughout my pregnancy. My mother, while thrilled to learn that I was going to have a baby, behaved in a completely predictable fashion: she made it all about her. I was repeatedly regaled with stories of her pregnancy with me. In these, she was a perfect mother-to-be, eating plenty of fish and taking yoga.

Somehow these stories didn't seem to at all conflict for her with her statement that she didn't know she was pregnant until her fifth month. Since we both know that at this point in time, she and my father were both drinking plenty, smoking cigarettes and weed, and doing coke, the insistence that she was some sort of prenatal angel feels oddly false. And of course, regardless of what things were like before I was born, it's an understatement to say she wasn't exactly a perfect mother, either when I was a child or since I've been an adult.

And so, I spent a lot of time biting my tongue during the first few months of my pregnancy whenever I was with her. I tried to set boundaries. But I could also sense her discomfort around Dahled's family. She felt insecure, and it was palpable. And being pregnant definitely brought up a lot for me about my childhood and my relationship with both my parents; I've got a therapist I see every week for a reason. But my pregnancy also brought up a lot for my mother, I think. A lot of guilt that she had no way to process since she's refused to see a therapist and has been in such heavy denial about how she's treated me and the effect it's had. So unsurprisingly she lashed out a few weeks before Pele was born. What was different this time is that I refused to put up with it. One thing that happened while I carried this child was I made a decision that absolutely nothing and no one would get in the way of my ability to take care of him. It might be sad that it took this long and another person for me to stand up to my mother like this, but that's what happened.

The last time we spoke was 2 weeks or so before Pele was born. That phone call ended with my mother screaming fuck you at me and hanging up. We have not talked since then, and she has not met her grandson. I told her then that their meeting was not my priority. He is now 10 weeks old, and I'm due to go back to work in about a month. I told Dahled last week that it was time to schedule a meeting, though I wasn't planning to be there. But now I guess I will be.

Because I got a call this morning from my great aunt in Illinois letting me know that my mother has bone marrow cancer and that it's terminal.


[User Picture]From: stagger_lee77
2015-01-15 01:03 am (UTC)
damn... i got... nothing.
(Reply) (Thread)
(Deleted comment)
From: elusis
2015-01-15 03:56 am (UTC)
An army? Can we all go with you, Lolo, and be an army to fend off any goddamn mom shenanigans?

Ugh, honey, I am so sorry.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: sushispook
2015-01-15 06:06 pm (UTC)
Here here. I'll volunteer for a tour of duty in "Wheeler's Warriors".
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: sushispook
2015-01-15 01:42 am (UTC)
Fuck. Lauren, I am so very sorry.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: wild_irises
2015-01-15 03:18 am (UTC)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: mschaos
2015-01-15 01:52 am (UTC)
dammit. I wish I could say something. but all I can say is I'm sorry and please know that you are being heard
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: tristan_crane
2015-01-15 03:08 am (UTC)

Oh god.

I am so sorry.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: black_pearl_10
2015-01-15 03:22 am (UTC)
Shit. I'm sorry.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: olamina
2015-01-15 03:48 am (UTC)
I feel you and for you! Whatever you decide to do/or not do is right and true for you. Sending you supportive vibes!
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: sealwhiskers
2015-01-15 04:50 am (UTC)
I'm so very very sorry. I can only imagine all the complicated feelings you must be going through. But you did everything right and you have a beautiful son and a new family. *HUGS*
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: katyakoshka
2015-01-15 05:47 am (UTC)
Oof. Yeah. That's just... huge, indeed.

I've had some comparable experiences, even to the peacemaking (as much as one can) with the verbally abusive, addicted parent (father) after finding out they were on borrowed time (in his case, heart disease et al.). I had a less overtly difficult relationship with my mother, and I had years to anticipate that cancer would most likely kill her. It wasn't in the middle of an estrangement with either that I got the news of their respective imminent demises, nor was it right after the stressful pregnancy and traumatic birth/postpartum period with either kid.

So, I've almost been there, but not quite.

I hope you have lots of hands-on support available somehow. Your new family deserves it. You deserve it. And you deserve your boundaries. Take care. Much strength and peace to you and yours.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: tuckova
2015-01-15 06:24 am (UTC)
Oh, Lauren. I am so sorry.

But I am super glad for Pele. What a blessing to have a smart and loving mother. I think you are doing exactly right by him, and I hope you will continue to do right by him by making these difficult and correct long-term decisions about what's right for you. Not the best, and not the easiest, but: right.

So much love to you. And hugs.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: cindymonkey
2015-01-15 04:51 pm (UTC)
I love you lady. Whatever support you need. Whether it be venting or mom meeting before / after care. Even if that just means sitting with you, or watching Pele so you can decompress, or whatever. I'm there. None of this is small stuff. I love you and am here to support you in whatever decisions you make around this. You are a good daughter. You are a good mother. We've got you.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: lilmissnever
2015-01-15 11:28 pm (UTC)

I'm so sorry, L. Family is awful and stressful and complicated. All that I can do is make useless supportive noises.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: vicious_wench
2015-01-15 11:29 pm (UTC)
well fuck.
let us know what you need.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: jactitation
2015-01-16 05:17 am (UTC)
Oh jesus, Lauren. I am so sorry. Want some chicken stew delivered tomorrow morning or Saturday? Alas, that's all I got that might help right now.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: wordweaverlynn
2015-01-17 07:18 am (UTC)
Oh, that is so hard.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: msjen
2015-01-19 01:02 am (UTC)
Wow, that is so much to deal with. I am so sorry. Let me know if there is anything you need.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: susannochka
2015-01-19 06:53 am (UTC)
Love to you, Lauren. If you & P. need some company, or you need an ear, please let me know. I know we haven't seen much of each other in a long time, but I'm thinking about you. This is some hard shit. xoxo
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: pantryslut
2015-01-19 05:32 pm (UTC)
Man. I'm sorry. Let me know if I/we can help in any way at all.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: blackestsheep
2015-01-19 08:54 pm (UTC)
Damn. *Hugs*
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: uke
2015-01-23 08:38 pm (UTC)
Oy vey. Much love.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: gordonzola
2015-01-24 06:11 pm (UTC)
Oh Lauren... damn.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: djinnaya
2015-01-25 03:05 am (UTC)
Oh god, Lauren. I don't imagine there is anything I can do, but I'm often right down the street, and I'm happy to listen, tell you distracting stories, or sit with your in silence, as needed.
(Reply) (Thread)